What is Mindful Parenting?
Mindful parenting is based on the concept of mindfulness.
Mindfulness is about focusing your awareness on the present moment and acknowledging your current feelings, thoughts and body sensations without putting any judgement on them.
It is about purposely paying attention to right now.
By paying attention to the current moment, we can then create more awareness and understanding of what is going on and then we can consciously choose how we want to respond.
Mindful parenting is about being aware, present and being intentional in your parenting efforts.
It is cultivating the little moments and taking each day as it is. It does not mean there will be no bad days, or that it won’t be hard. It’s about taking it all in stride and creating more awareness around our own feelings, thoughts and behaviors. It is connecting with our children on their level and it is connecting within our true selves.
Some important aspects of mindful parenting include becoming more aware of our internal selves, creating time for full attentiveness (not distracted by other things) and responding to your child in an open and non-judging way.
Becoming More Aware
In order to engage in more mindful parenting, we need to bring more awareness to our self, our triggers, our past trauma and hurts, our feelings, our thoughts, our wants, etc. And yes, that is a lot.
Just like with Mindfulness, Mindful Parenting is the about the journey not the destination. It is a lifelong process to strive for and there is no “end-game” or accomplishment. It’s a way of being that one constantly learns more about.
Here are some areas to explore to create more awareness about yourself as a parent. Take some time and answer the following questions. If you can, write it out as research has shown that writing things out can create a deeper level of processing. If you can’t write it out, answer in your head. It is still beneficial to go through the exercise however you can.
(P.S. this also works great within our relationships too).
Triggers in Parenthood
A trigger is something that occurs that then produces an uncomfortable emotional response within us. This emotional response can include intense feelings, anxiety, panic, physical symptoms, etc. A trigger can be many things including smells, sights, sounds, certain words, and behaviors of others.
Some questions to ask yourself:
What triggers me? What gets that instant-reaction from myself where I may not even at first be aware of what is happening or feel that I have control over it?
What is my reaction to my trigger? Do I feel lots of anger inside? Do I yell? Do I withdraw?
How does my body feel in that moment?
What kinds of thoughts go on in my mind when I am triggered? What story do I tell myself about what is happening? Do I make some kind of meaning of myself about what is going on?
What feelings come up from me? If anger is a predominate feeling, what is under that anger that may be harder for me to accept or feel?
Have I felt this way in other times of my life?
If this is hard for you to answer these questions, that’s okay. Many times our triggers and reactions happen automatically and without a lot of our awareness. Try to think of a recent time when you did get triggered or the next time something comes up go through the exercise to try to explore more of what was going on.
Exploring Expectations
It’s normal to have expectations on how we want things to go, whether that is in our relationships, our work, our children, ourselves, etc. It’s automatic. We mostly understand that having big expectations aren’t very helpful, however the little expectations that we may not even be aware of can create big difficulties for us.
By becoming more aware of expectations we have we can first explore whether they are reasonable. If they are we can then work on becoming more explicit about what we are wanting in order to work on actually achieving it. If the expectations are not reasonable, then we can work on creating more realistic viewpoints.
For exploring your expectations, it’s important to be real with yourself. Even if that rational/thinking side of you knows it’s not a helpful or realistic expectation, it’s important to identify it. We may know something is not helpful and we can still yearn for it.
Here are some questions to ask yourself/explore more:
Before I become a parent, what kinds of ideals did I have on what it would look like?
What kind of behavior am I wanting from my child?
What did I want growing up that I didn’t get?
As a child, what did I wish my parent/caregiver had understood about me but didn’t?
What does my relationship with my parents look like and how does that influence my own parenting relationship with my children?
What do I think others expect of me?
What do I “should” on myself about? (Things you say you “should” be doing or feeling, etc.)
What do I expect of myself as a parent?
What am I wanting my partner to do as a parent?
What do I wish my partner understood?
Practicing Mindful Parenting
It is important to note that becoming more mindful and engaging in mindful parenting is a skill that needs to be built up. There are so many demands on us both from external sources and our own internal struggles/stresses. Staying present in the moment and cultivating more awareness of ourselves is not easy. The great news is that this is a skill that anyone can build upon- it just takes practice.
It is in the practicing of mindfulness that then allows us to access it easier.
Therapy is also a great place to explore more of your triggers and create more awareness into your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. If you are in California and this is resonating with you and you would like more support in this area, please reach out.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
