Postpartum Support | What I Wish I Knew as a New Mom

Becoming a mother is an amazing experience.

It changes your life in every possible way.

I am naturally a knowledge-seeker.

When I encounter anything in life that I don’t know much about, I do research and read up on it. I find comfort in finding as much information as possible.

Motherhood was no different for me.

I read a lot.

I followed my apps on how big the baby in my belly was, what was growing at what time, and what changes were happening to my body.

I read about childbirth. I took a class on childbirth.

I did research on the best baby products for newborns, what kinds of diapers to have, what kind of laundry detergent to use.

I had a Pinterest board for the nursery and found different items that would work perfectly for my vision.

I read blogs on what to pack for the hospital and what postpartum items to buy for my physical healing.

As a therapist, I also knew about and anticipated the changes that would happen in my relationship after baby came. I knew that most couples report a decrease in relationship satisfaction after a birth of a child. I knew there would be an adjustment period after we welcomed our daughter and found a new groove as parents.

I also knew I would be tired. Everyone said- get sleep now while you can. Right, I’d think as I was super pregnant and woke up 5xs a night to pee not to mention there was no comfortable position to sleep in. I thought it couldn’t get worse than it already was (which I was very wrong about).

I had lots of lists and mostly checked off. I felt confident, prepared and ready to welcome my daughter. I also had an uncommon (for me) relaxed outlook of it all. What will be, will be, I thought. I knew there was only so much I could prepare and control in childbirth and the experience of having a newborn.

I was still taken aback by many of the changes I would experience.

Here are some things I had wished I had known (and I also know, that even “knowing” these things is different than experiencing them) about becoming a mother.

Becoming a Mother is Very Emotional | Baby Blues are a Very Real and Common Experience

Welcoming a baby is a very joyous and exciting experience. This baby that you have carried for 9 very long months, that you thought about, imagined about, and loved is finally here. There is absolutely something so magical about welcoming this being into the world. The baby that you felt kicking and moving around inside of you is now suddenly in your arms and they are their own little person.

It’s also scary.

How are you supposed to know what to do to keep this little baby alive, much less thrive? Do I really know what I’m doing in putting this baby in the car seat? In feeding my baby, diapering her, swaddling her, etc.? It’s all very new and overwhelming.

Worries and anxiety increase a lot. I suddenly was responsible for this little baby and I was not at all prepared for all the worrying about her wellbeing I would have. Every noise, every cry, I’d worry if it was something more or am I responding appropriately. At night I would wake up and check and make sure she was still breathing. I was breast-feeding and often worried about whether she was getting enough milk and was it the “right” kind of milk.

Was she doing enough “tummy time”?

Was she sleeping too little or too much?

Did she have enough dirty diapers?

All these questions would play over and over in my mind constantly.

Sadness can come out of no where.

I would feel happy and content one moment and then next I would feel overcome with sadness and cry. Small things would upset me, I would feel guilt on if I was “doing enough” around the house. Sometimes it just all felt like “too much” and I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I worried a lot about going back to work. I couldn’t imagine having someone else take care of my daughter. Would they protect her like I do? Would they love her like I do? She was so little and vulnerable and the thought of having a stranger look after her was overwhelming.

The love you feel is very intense.

I honestly never knew I could feel that level of love. It was a love so deep that you feel it in the aches of your heart and through your body. I yearned for her, her soft skin, the baby smells, the snuggles. It was intoxicating and again overwhelming.

This level of love also triggered lots more tears and worries. At times, my emotions felt out of control. I felt all over the place and I never knew what could trigger me into feelings of overwhelm.

I wondered if I would ever feel “normal” again (I would).

All this is pretty “normal.” After birth our hormones are fluctuating which contribute to a lot of these feelings and experiences. It is also a HUGE transition to go from just an individual person to a mother. While intellectually we can know all that, the experience of it is still something that we just can’t really understand until we actually go through it.

It is also through that experience that we go into a stronger version of ourselves.

I wish I understood that all these emotions were okay, that I could lean into them instead of resist them. That I was changing and growing into this beautiful part of myself. That I would be okay. That I would be more than okay, that I would thrive and feel a level of peace and contentment that I had never experienced before.

Sleep Deprivation is Intense

I thought I had experienced tiredness before. My job prior to maternity leave required me to be on-call 24 hours a day. Many times I would be called in to work an overnight shift. Then I would still have to do my regular job duties the next day, talk about being tired!

The end of pregnancy also lead to may sleep-disrupted nights. Yet, none of it compared to the level of sleep deprivation that comes up with having a newborn baby and getting up many times in the night to breastfeed.

Sleep deprivation affects you in many other ways besides just being physically tired. My thoughts were often fuzzy, I had a hard time tracking conversations, and I would have a hard time responding to things. This certainly led to a lot of communication difficulties with my husband and coupled with all the emotions I was experiencing it often ended with myself in tears.

Lack of sleep also makes it harder to physically heal from childbirth. Your body needs rest and that can feel pretty impossible with a newborn.

There is a saying- “sleep when the baby sleeps.” It sounds great and there was also so much to do. I would also battle with guilt for doing “nothing” and taking a nap.

I wish I understood that birthing a baby and feeding that baby was enough. That my physical and emotional well-being was of utmost importance. That it was okay to ask for help and putting myself at more of a priority didn’t make me less of a mother.

Motherhood Changes Your Personal Identity

I wasn’t just “me” anymore. I was a mother. I didn’t realize how much that would change me.

I felt the same after I got married. I had been with my partner for 5 years prior to getting married and hadn’t thought it would “feel” different. Yet it felt very different. It suddenly felt that we were much more of a unit.

Adding a baby and suddenly we felt very much a family instead of just a couple.

I also felt much more of an "adult." I was in my mid-30s when I had my first child and I think it's common to not always feel like an adult.

Being a mom really hit home that I was now a full-blown adult. And now I had this little baby that depended on me.

I also wasn't expecting how much being a mother would change my outlook on my career and professional development. I was really ambitious and always had sights on ways to move up in my career. Having a baby suddenly changed my direction in that I wanted more work-life balance. I wanted to be more present with my child and my current position would not allow that. It was quite a struggle for me to figure this out.

I was quite happy settled in my life as a mother for some time and then I got to a place where I was ready to be back into my career. Being a therapist is a huge part of me (just as being a mother is). It’s something that I am very passionate about. I realized that it’s important for me to be able to have space for all these parts of me.

Balancing my career and being a mother is a challenge. I don't think it's ever possible to have everything in balance and that’s okay. It is something that I think is important to look at and recalibrate when needed.

I wish I understood that it was okay to change my perspective of my career and that it was okay for me to change it again in the future (and will continue to be okay to change as I continue to grow and change).

I also wished that I understood that motherhood added to my identity and did not take anything away. I was still a therapist, a wife, a sister, a friend, an individual and I was now a mother.

Motherhood is hard and It's Okay to Ask for Support

Parenting is hard. I knew having a baby wouldn't be easy but quite honestly didn't realize how hard it would be.

Of course there are absolutely amazing moments that just melt your heart like no other. There are other times when it feels like you just can't do it. But you do.

You carry on and you become a stronger version of yourself because of it.

There also is a lot of pressure to "do it all" as a mother. It's really easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you are the only one that can comfort your baby, feed your baby, meet your baby's needs, etc. Not to mention the pressures of looking good doing it, having a clean house, and home-cooked meals.

I wish I knew that asking for support did not make me less of a mom. Getting support actually makes me a better mom as I feel more rested and grounded.

Motherhood is emotional, scary, sleep-depriving, identity-changing and challenging. It is also amazing.

Motherhood changes you in every way and it will continue to change you throughout your life.

It’s also hard to imagine my life before kids. Since each of my children were born, it has felt that they have always been here.

I truly believe my babies were meant to be my kids and I was meant to be their mama.

There is a saying, that is so very true in motherhood- “the days are long and the years are short.” There are definitely moments of real challenge that feel like they will never end and it also feels like time is flying by.

I wouldn’t trade any of it.

It’s made me who I am today and I am a better person because of my children.

If you are struggling as a new mother, just know that this is hard and you will come out of it. Help is also available.

If you are a new mother in California and would like some extra support as you navigate this transition period please reach out. I offer a free 15 minute consultation where we can talk about your current concerns and ways my services could help.

You got this mama!

Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.