You had imagined this postpartum time to be one of bliss. You had visions of holding your baby and feeling so much love. You DID NOT imagine you would at times be filled with so much anger and rage. This is Postpartum Rage.

What is Postpartum Rage?

Postpartum rage, also called postpartum anger, is an intense feeling of anger, frustration, and agitation that is experienced in the early weeks and months of postpartum. This anger is often felt towards your partner and your baby.

While Postpartum Depression is starting to be talked about more, Postpartum Rage is often one that is felt in secrecy, with many moms feeling ashamed of feeling such intense anger. There is so much judgment in the motherhood space, that to share that you are feeling such intense rage towards your baby can feel way too vulnerable. This leads many moms to keep it inside. Unfortunately, shame thrives in secrecy- and the more we keep it in, the more shame we feel. This also doesn’t make the rage go away, it can actually make it worse due to the growing shame.

What Causes Postpartum Rage?

Postpartum Rage is thought to be caused by several different factors. These factors often are all occurring which can certainly amplify our moods and dysregulation.

Hormonal Changes

After giving birth, your body undergoes some major hormonal changes.

The most major change is a big drop in both estrogen and progesterone which can lead to mood swings. This drop is thought to account for the “baby blues” that is experienced by majority of women in the first couple days to weeks after birth.

Estrogen and progesterone continue to remain low for several weeks to months (and often longer if you are breastfeeding) until you start to ovulate again. Since both estrogen and progesterone help contribute to mood regulation, having low levels of this can lead to feelings of depression and mood swings. Low estrogen and progesterone are contributing factors to Postpartum Depression which can be an underlying cause of Postpartum Rage.

Sleep Deprivation

I thought I was tired in the third trimester. I worked a full-time high-intensity job and was on-call, often having to work extra hours or respond to work items at night and on weekends. I also had trouble sleeping- not being able to find a comfortable position, being up with heartburn, and having to pee a million times at night. However, this was nothing compared to how tired I was in those first couple of months after bringing my daughter home.

Unfortunately, sleep can be really hard to come by in the early postpartum time and the sleep you do get is often very disruptive and fragmented.

Sleep is really important for our overall well-being, especially for emotional regulation. Throughout the night we go through several sleep cycles, with each sleep cycle including the different stages of sleep. REM is one of the stages of sleep we go through and is the in last stage of the cycle (and then it starts over again). While REM is often known for being the stage where we dream- it is also really important for our brain health, including helping with our memory, learning, and emotional regulation.

At the beginning of the night you have longer stages of Light Sleep and Deep Sleep and short stages of REM sleep. As the night goes one, the light and deep sleep stages get shorter and your REM stage gets longer.

Here’s the kicker- the majority of our REM sleep occurs AFTER hour 5 of sleeping. If you are getting woken up every 2 hours, you are getting interrupted in the middle of a sleep cycle. Then when you do fall back asleep, you’re starting the sleep cycle all over again. This, unfortunately, leads to short bouts of light sleep and little amounts of deep and REM sleep.

This lack of REM sleep can lead to mood dysregulation, including anxiety and mood swings.

Stress

The postpartum time is one of lots of changes and adjustments and is inherently stressful. Your body is healing, you're not getting a lot of sleep, and you’re trying to figure this whole parenting thing out and learn how to meet your baby’s needs. It’s a lot and it’s stressful

When you’re stressed, your body is going to be in a more dysregulated state. Basically your fuse is going to be short and it’s not going to take much to set it off.

Unrealistic Expectations

Whether you realize it or not- you have some preconceived ideas on what postpartum is going to look like and most likely, those ideas are not going to match the reality.

Postpartum is one of those things that while you can prepare a lot for it, it’s hard to really know what it will be like until you’re in it. The tricky part comes when you get stuck on the expectation and things not matching it. This discrepancy can then create a lot of frustration.

Lack of Support

The level of support you have in the postpartum time is really going to impact your experience. Having inadequate support and lack of understanding from your partner, family, and friends can lead to feelings of overwhelm and isolation.

Symptoms of Postpartum Rage

The symptoms of postpartum rage can vary in severity and intensity. Some common symptoms include:

Frequent outbursts of anger
Irritability and frustration
Difficulty controlling emotions
Feelings of resentment
Physical symptoms (e.g., racing heart, tightness in chest, sweating)

Impact of Postpartum Rage

Postpartum rage can have a significant impact on a woman's life, affecting her relationships with her partner, child, and family. It can also lead to:

Strain on relationships
Difficulty bonding with baby
Increased risk of postpartum depression and anxiety
Impact on child's development

Coping Strategies of Postpartum Rage

Your feelings can be important messengers. It can be helpful to ask yourself what is the anger/rage telling you? My guess is that you’re needing more support. Here are some strategies that can help you cope:

Seek Professional Help: Consult with a mental health professional who specializes in perinatal mental health. They can provide therapy, medication, or other interventions to help manage your symptoms.
Build a Strong Support System: Lean on your partner, family, and friends for emotional support and practical assistance.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities such as sleep, exercise, and healthy eating.
Communicate Openly: Talk to your partner and family about your feelings and needs.
Learn Stress Management Techniques: Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can help you manage stress and anxiety.

While all those options can sound “easy,” as a therapist, I understand that it’s not that simple. Having your partner understand better how to support you and how you can prioritize your self-care can seem impossible. That’s where having a therapist who understands the postpartum time can be very valuable as they can help guide you through this.

If you are in California and interested in my services, you can schedule an appointment here.

Lisa’s Story of Postpartum Rage

Lisa* came to see me when she was 3 months postpartum. She initially thought she was struggling with the baby blues, but realized when it didn’t go away that she needed more help. Lisa reported that she often found herself feeling intense anger and frustration at both her baby and her partner. This rage would come out in yelling outbursts. She would also physically feel it with an intense tightness in her body, she’d clench her fists and at times would start shaking. She would often end up with tears. Lisa was filled with guilt and shame for feeling this way and felt that she was a “bad mom” and was “ruining” her baby.

When Lisa attempted to talk to her husband, he would tell her not to worry about doing household chores, that she should try to “relax” more, and not make everything “such a big deal.” This led to Lisa feeling more shame that she couldn’t “handle being a mother” and felt that she wasn’t good enough at this. Lisa expressed that she felt overwhelmed and alone.

In therapy, we looked at what a typical day looked like and identified triggers. Lisa was home with her baby on maternity leave, while her husband worked out of the home and was often gone for 10- 11 hours. This led to Lisa doing the majority of the care for her baby. She was also getting up anywhere from 3-5 times a night to feed her baby which had led to her feeling sleep deprived.

In order to assist with Lisa’s emotional regulation, she needed to get more sleep. This meant working with her husband on sharing the night feeding load. We worked on ways Lisa could communicate better with her husband about how she was feeling and what she was needing, along with several suggested plans.

Once Lisa’s sleep was getting better, Lisa worked on prioritizing her self-care which meant she had to set better boundaries and again clearly communicate her needs to her partner. Lisa started to work out 3xs a week and a better system was put in place for sharing more of the household and child rearing duties with her husband. These changes along with learning about her triggers, challenging and reframing unhelpful thoughts, and engaging in body-calming strategies all helped Lisa with her Postpartum Rage.

*names and identifying characteristics have been changed

Key Takeaways on Postpartum Rage

Postpartum rage is a serious condition that can have a significant impact on a woman's well-being, her relationships, and her motherhood experience.

Postpartum Rage is often caused by a combination of hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, stress, unrealistic expectations, and lack of support.
Symptoms of postpartum rage include frequency outbursts of anger, irritability and frustration, difficulties controlling emotions, feelings of resentment, and physical symptoms such as racing heart, tightness in chest, sweating, etc.
Postpartum Rage can lead to a strain in your relationships, create difficulties bonding with baby, increase your risk for postpartum depression & anxiety, and negatively impact your baby’s development.
Coping strategies for Postpartum Rage include seeking out professional support, communicating opening with partner/loved ones around what you need, practicing self-care, and learning stress management techniques.

If you're experiencing postpartum rage, it's important to seek help and support. With the right treatment and support, you can manage your symptoms and recover. Remember, you're not alone, and help is available.

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