Boundary Exploration | Learn About Boundaries
You’ve probably heard of the concept of “boundaries” before, but do you really know what it means to have boundaries in a relationship?
This blog will go over boundaries in more detail, including ways to explore and understand your own experience with boundaries and how to create better boundaries for yourself.
What are Boundaries?
Boundaries are essentially the limits and “rules” we set for ourselves within relationships.
There are many different types of boundaries including- physical, emotional, and sexual.
Boundaries are essential to our well-being and to have healthy relationships. Boundaries are also something that most of us don’t see modeled well growing up (and likely our parents/caregivers didn’t see them modeled well either). Growing up, we get conditioned on how to be within our personal relationships from our relationships with our parents/caregivers and other important people.
Our parents/caregivers are flawed individuals (it comes with being human) and have their own history of trauma, pain, and hurts. Many times parents will unconsciously react from their past trauma/pain towards their children and within their other relationships. As a child, we “soak” all that in, and this creates a foundational “programming” of ourselves, how we see others, and how we are in relationships. Exploring this more can be helpful to better understand ourselves and then to decide consciously, how do we want to be as our own person and within our relationships.
Just because we have been conditioned to be a certain way, does not mean we are stuck in that for life.
Boundary Exploration Journal Prompts
Try to think back to your experiences as a child and your own personal limits, as well as limits (or lack thereof) that were modeled by your parents.
Reflect on the following:
Overall, how were boundaries displayed in your family?
Did your parents set clear limits on their time, energy, and resources in their relationships?
Did your parents share information and/or engage you in conversations and matters that were inappropriate as a child? This includes information/concerns on your parents’ relationship(s), concerns about money, concerns/information about siblings, etc.
Did you feel free to say “no”? Or did your parent figures tell you to behave a certain way?
Did your parent figures respect your privacy, or did they invade it? Examples of privacy violations include things like reading a diary, listening to phone calls or other snooping behavior.
Did your parents allow you to have conversations, interactions, and experiences with people in your life without inserting themselves into them?
Reflecting currently:
How does it feel for you to say “no” and/or set boundaries with others?
What thoughts come up in regards to boundary setting (example- “it’s selfish,” “I don’t want to disappoint others,” “I don’t want to miss out”)?
Are there certain situations or with certain people that you struggle the most with setting boundaries?
In regards to boundaries- is there something you’d like to focus on in this area, if so what is it (example- “pause and check-in with myself first prior to saying ‘yes’ to a commitment”)?
Take a moment and reflect on your answers. Do you notice any themes? What comes up the most for you in the idea of setting boundaries? How would your life change if you were to set in a healthy way?
Ways we Express Boundaries
There are several different ways we express our boundaries. I like to think of it on a continuum with Rigid on one end and Loose on the other end. In the middle is Flexible.
We are not stuck in one way of expressing our boundaries. We also have boundaries around many types of areas and can differ in each are how we respond.
When we respond Rigidly or Loosely in our Boundaries, it is usually an emotionally reactive way- we aren't being conscious or thoughtful about what we truly need or want. It's more about protecting ourselves- either from being hurt by others (Rigid), or experiencing that disappointment from others (Loose). Either way, we just end up hurting ourselves and it also keeps us from forming healthy and connected relationships.
Rigid Boundaries
People with rigid boundaries often struggle with intimacy and will have few close relationships. There is an underlying fear of rejection and not being loved for who they are. They have difficulties asking for help, may so “no” a lot and can quickly shut down new ideas or offers from others. They tend to be very private, with few people actually “knowing” them. They are also conflict-avoidant and come off as more “distant.”
An underlying message is:
“If I keep a distance and don’t count on others, I can’t be hurt.”
Loose Boundaries
On the other end of the continuum is Loose Boundaries. Those with loose boundaries are going to be more of a “people-pleaser”, they’ll have a hard time saying “no” (often to their own detriment), and they fear disappointing or upsetting others. They also often base their self-worth on what other people think of them and within this, they may struggle knowing who they are and what they like. They may also find themselves always trying to “fix” or “help” others. People with loose boundaries are also conflict-avoidant.
An underlying message is:
“If I please others, then they will like/love/accept me.”
Flexible Boundaries
Those with flexible boundaries are going to be very self-aware. They understand and value their own opinions and beliefs. They are able to communicate their needs to others and can say “no” to things when needed. They also accept “no” from others. Someone with flexible boundaries will be able to ask for help when needed. They are also able to regulate their own emotions and give space to others to express themselves.
An underlying message is:
“I value myself and can share and express what I need while also valuing others in what they think and what they need.”
Setting Boundaries
Learning and setting boundaries (and keeping them set) is really, really hard. Boundaries are a top topic in my therapy sessions. I always emphasize to my clients that boundaries are really hard for everyone. It’s also something that will need to be consistently checked in on and addressed. It’s definitely not a “one and done” type of thing. Exploring all this in therapy can be really helpful.
Boundaries allow us to have relationships.
While we often think of boundaries as preventing something in a relationship or keeping someone at a distance. I like to think of it as “this allows me to be in a relationship with you.” Without healthy boundaries, relationships can suffer and create a lot of resentment and frustration and can even lead to the end of the relationship.
If you are in California and are interested in my therapy services to assist you in setting Boundaries, feel free to reach out.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
