The Mental Load Is Breaking Moms: What It Is, Why It Feels So Heavy and What You Can Do About It
No, it’s not just you, you aren’t failing, and it’s not really about getting more organized and trying harder.
It’s the Mental Load that’s got you down.
This Mental Load, also called Cognitive Labor, is all the effort and thinking that goes into a task before you actually do the task. This commonly includes 1) anticipating there will be a task that needs to be done in the future and 2) planning for this task to be done.
This Mental Load is often called Invisible Labor, as it’s not what is seen on the outside. The actual execution, aka “the doing,” of the task is what is seen, but those that carry the majority of the mental load know that there is so much more that goes into a task than what is just seen.
There is a classic meme that went around years ago and it went- “My mind is like a web browser, there are 100s of tabs open, half of them are frozen, and I have no idea where that music is coming from.”
This is what I like to describe the mental load- it’s basically your brain with lots and lots of tabs open and each day you are trying to find the tabs that need to get completed, but it’s overwhelming, you likely forgetting things, other things you’re doing last minute, and each day you end up feeling a bit of a failure.
Before we dive in, let's go over some basic definitions:
The Mental Load Definitions
Domestic Labor: This is all tasks related to taking care of a household and children. It is also called Unpaid Labor, as it is seen as work put in to care for your family and relationship and it is not paid.
The Mental Load: Also called Cognitive Labor and Invisible Labor, this is all the thinking that occurs around a task. It includes the anticipation- so knowing there will need to be a task and the planning- this includes research and delegation. These aspects of a task are largely unseen by others, as most of it is occurring “in your head.” For example- your child’s doctor’s appointments. You have to know that they will need a checkup, know when it needs to be done, know when to schedule it, know where and with whom to schedule (so likely lots of research here for the doctor, if they take your insurance, etc.), the scheduling of the actual appointment, the planning on how the child will go to the appointment, when to leave for the appointment and what needs to be taken to the appointment.
Physical Load/Labor: This is the execution aka the “doing” of the task. An example of this using the child’s doctor’s appointment- the actual taking the child to the doctor’s appointment.
Emotional Labor: While similar to the Mental Load, this is around managing emotions to maintain relationships. This can include comforting a distressed child, supporting your partner when stressed, and it also includes the efforts to connect and improve relationships.
The Division of Labor: This is how the domestic labor, including the mental load, the physical load, and the emotional labor is divided within a relationship and/or family.
How the Mental Load Impacts Your Mental Health
Carrying the majority of the mental load does impact your well-being in the following ways:
• Emotional Symptoms: Anxiety, irritability, feeling constantly “on edge.”
• Physical Symptoms: Fatigue, tension, trouble sleeping.
• Relationship Strain: Frustration around unequal division of labor, communication breakdowns, and resentment toward partners.
• Parenting Challenges: Difficulty being present, increased stress during daily routines.
While everyone deals with some Mental Load, research has shown that women and particularly mothers historically and currently carry the majority of the mental load.
A recent study asked families of young children who carries the mental load and the execution of 30 common household tasks. Mothers reported taking on 76% of the mental load (so the anticipating, planning, delegating, and thinking of tasks) and 64% of the actual doing of the task. Their male partners held 24% of the cognitive load and 36% of the physical load.
In this study, there was only ONE task that fathers actually held more of the mental and physical load and that was taking the trash out. Fathers also participated in more of the physical load for house maintenance, however, mothers still did more the cognitive load of anticipating and planning for the task. You can see details of this study in the graph below.
In no surprise (especially for mothers), this uneven division of mental and physical load correlated to a worse quality of relationship with their partner. What was most important around this was the Cognitive Load. The more the woman took on the cognitive load, the worse the relationship was.
What is also important to note- the more cognitive load moms had, the higher levels of depression, anxiety, burnout, and declining physical health they experienced.
I cannot emphasize this enough- basically carrying the majority of the Mental Load is destroying your relationship, your mental health, and YOU.
Why is the Mental Load so Overwhelming for Moms?
There are a lot of factors that play into the overwhelm of carrying the Mental Load and include the following:
Cultural and Societal Expectations
Internalized Beliefs and Perfectionism
The Emotional Toll
Relationship Dynamics
The Intersection of Trauma and the Mental Load
Cultural and Societal Expectations
The “Supermom” Myth: Society often glorifies the idea of a mom who can do it all—maintain a successful career, keep a spotless home, nurture her children perfectly, and still find time for self-care. This sets an impossible standard and contributes to constant pressure and guilt. Also, moms are judged more on their children’s appearance, behaviors, household, etc. When dad is saying “who cares” about how cleanly the house is or if baby is wearing stained clothing, society cares and they will judge mom for it, NOT dad. Women know this and that is why we continue to go above and beyond.
Invisible Labor: Much of the mental load involves tasks that go unnoticed—anticipating needs, planning ahead, and managing emotions within the family. Unlike physical tasks, this cognitive and emotional work is often undervalued and rarely acknowledged.
Gendered Division of Labor: Even in progressive households, studies show that mothers often take on more of the “thinking work” related to family management. This can lead to an imbalance, where dads may help with specific tasks but moms remain the “project manager” of the household. This means that mom’s brain is never “turned off” and because taking care of children and a household are 24/7 there is never a break.
Internalized Beliefs and Perfectionism
Our views about ourselves as a mother and partner start getting developed as a young child. Typically, what we experience and witness growing up, informs us of these beliefs. As a society, there are also lots of bias, systems, and viewpoints on being a woman, a mother, and partner that also plays a big part in how we then experience it.
Childhood Patterns and the Impact on our Motherhood Role
Many moms struggle with parentification, people-pleasing, and perfectionism due to their own childhood experiences. They may have grown up taking care of others’ needs or learned that their worth is tied to productivity and caretaking. This could be because they witnessed their own mothers participate in this way, they were told/expected of these things as a child, and/or were exposed to these ideas in media, movies, books, etc.
The “Should” Trap
So many moms overwhelmed with the mental load started out pre-motherhood as great students and great employees. They are independent, go-getters and high-achievers. When you see a challenge, you take it on and figure it out. You have pride in yourself for all that you can do (and you should, you’re amazing!). Unfortunately, in motherhood this can quickly lead to burnout.
Thoughts like “I should be able to handle this,” or “I shouldn’t need help” create unrealistic expectations. This inner critic can amplify feelings of failure or inadequacy.
Perfectionism in Parenting
There is nothing more important in the world than the wellbeing of your child. I get it, you want everything for your child and that means you want to be the best mom possible. This desire to give your children the “best” of everything can add to the mental load. From researching developmental milestones to orchestrating enriching activities, striving to be a “perfect mom” can make the mental load feel endless.
We are also bombarded with Social Media that can easily highlights all the “best” parts of motherhood and paint an unrealistic picture of what it’s really like.
Within this, we are also a very educated and informed generation of parents. We know all about childhood development, attachment theory, etc. We know all the ways we “should” (back to that Should-Trap) be parenting. And because you’re human, you’re going to mess up at times (and that’s okay), however we tend not to give ourselves grace and can easily beat ourselves up in the ways we acted that don’t align with our vision of this “Perfect Parent.”
It’s a lot of pressure.
This target of perfect is never going to be reached, so you will constantly find yourself falling short.
The Emotional Toll
The mental load can take quite the emotional toll on a person.
Constant Alertness: The mental load isn’t just a list of tasks- it’s a state of mind. It requires being perpetually tuned into everyone’s needs, often leaving moms in a heightened state of stress or “fight or flight.”
Decision Fatigue: Making hundreds of small decisions daily, from what’s for dinner to how to handle a tantrum, can lead to burnout. Even seemingly simple decisions can feel overwhelming when the mental load is high.
Feeling Unseen and Unappreciated: When much of the mental load is invisible, moms often feel like their efforts go unnoticed. This lack of acknowledgment can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment.
Relationship Dynamics and the Mental Load
As mentioned earlier, the Mental Load has a very big impact on our experiences in our relationships. The more skewed the Mental Load is, the more negative our relationships tend to be.
Unequal Division of Labor: Research shows that mothers hold majority of the Mental Load and Labor of child-rearing and household tasks. This is true even when both partners work full time out of the home. Even in partnerships with more shared responsibilities, moms are often the default parent—the one who gets the call from daycare or remembers when the baby last had Tylenol. This default mode can create strain and resentment in relationships.
Communication Barriers: Many moms struggle to ask for help or articulate what they need, either out of guilt or fear of being perceived as “nagging.” Then, if they do ask for help or share this experience, their partners often respond defensively which can make matters worse. Or, their partner may do the task wrong or just partially. Many moms report that it’s just “easier” for them to do it themselves and to want to avoid confrontation. However, this can lead to bottling up emotions and a build up of resentment until it spills over in frustration (which then causes conflict anyways).
Impact on Intimacy: When the mental load is all-consuming, there’s little mental space left for connection. Feeling more like a manager than a partner can erode intimacy and closeness. Many moms report feeling like their partners are “just another child” to take care of and sometimes are even harder to deal with than their children. If that’s the case, why would you feel in the mood or even sexually attracted to your partner?! It’s no surprise that research has found that men that take on more household tasks, have more sex.
The Intersection of Trauma and the Mental Load:
Past Experiences Amplifying the Load: For moms with a history of trauma, especially around emotional neglect or parentification, the mental load can feel even heavier. They might find themselves hyper-attuned to everyone else’s needs and disconnected from their own.
Nervous System Impact: Trauma responses can include hypervigilance, difficulty relaxing, and a tendency to over-function in caregiving roles—all of which add weight to the mental load.
When to Seek Additional Support for the Mental Load
If the mental load is starting to feel unmanageable, it’s important to recognize that you don’t have to carry it alone. While some level of stress is normal in motherhood, certain signs indicate that it may be time to seek additional support- whether through therapy, professional guidance, or a supportive community.
Signs That the Mental Load Is Taking a Toll:
Persistent Anxiety or Overwhelm: If you constantly feel on edge, have racing thoughts about everything that needs to get done, or struggle to relax—even when you have a break—it may be a sign that your nervous system is in overdrive.
Irritability or Resentment Toward Your Partner or Family: If you find yourself frequently frustrated or snapping at your partner or children, it could be a sign that your emotional bandwidth is depleted. Resentment often builds when the mental load feels unbalanced, and therapy can help you process these emotions and improve communication.
Physical Symptoms of Stress and Burnout: Chronic headaches, muscle tension, difficulty sleeping, or a general sense of exhaustion that doesn’t improve with rest are all signs that your body is carrying too much stress.
Feeling Disconnected or Like You’re “Losing Yourself”: If you no longer recognize who you are outside of your responsibilities as a mom, or you feel like you’re just “going through the motions,” it may be time to explore ways to reconnect with yourself.
Guilt and Self-Criticism That Feels Overwhelming: If you frequently feel like you’re failing, no matter how much you do, therapy can help you shift unhelpful thought patterns and develop more self-compassion.
Difficulty Asking for Help: If you struggle to delegate tasks, feel like you “should” be able to handle everything on your own, or feel guilty for even considering therapy, that’s often a sign that support could be incredibly beneficial.
How Therapy Can Help Lighten the Mental Load
Therapy isn’t just for crisis moments- it can be a space to process the daily stressors of motherhood, break cycles of burnout, and develop strategies for managing overwhelm. Here’s how working with a therapist can help:
Processing Emotional and Mental Overload: Talking through your experiences can help you release pent-up frustration, validate your struggles, and find clarity.
Learning Nervous System Regulation Tools: Techniques like grounding exercises, breathwork, and EMDR resourcing strategies can help you shift from chronic stress into a more balanced state.
Unpacking Perfectionism and Guilt: Therapy can help you challenge unrealistic expectations, work through childhood patterns that contribute to people-pleasing, and embrace “good enough” motherhood.
Improving Communication and Boundary-Setting: If the mental load is causing tension in your relationship, therapy can provide guidance on how to communicate your needs, delegate tasks, and set boundaries in a way that fosters understanding instead of conflict.
Reconnecting with Yourself: Therapy can help you rediscover your identity outside of motherhood and prioritize self-care in a way that feels realistic and meaningful.
If the weight of the mental load is affecting your well-being, know that you don’t have to figure it all out alone. Support is available, and seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s an act of self-care and personal activism.
How Happy Moms Therapy Can Help
Here at Happy Moms Therapy, we are fully aware and informed about the Mental Load and how it impacts you as a mom, partner, and individual.
While the Mental Load can be tricky to navigate within a couple, there are very real, practical strategies that can help guide you.
If you’re wanting help with the Mental Load, check out our services:
Therapy for Moms: We’ll tackle all things motherhood, including how the mental load impacts your wellbeing, how you can communicate with your partner about the mental load and strategies for tackling it.
Therapy for Postpartum: The postpartum time is a huge transitional time and brings with it a lot of unique challenges, including those challenges around the mental load.
The Mom Group: A support group for moms- get guidance and learn about important topics affecting mothers, including the mental load. The magic of The Mom Group is that you get support and connection from other moms too!
Would you like to explore therapy as a way to lighten your mental load? Reach out today for a free consultation. You deserve support, too.
Coming Soon- Mental Load Coaching!
Happy Moms Therapy will soon be offering Mental Load Coaching for Couples, designed to help you and your partner understand, rebalance, and share the invisible labor of running a household and raising a family.
There will be two options:
💡 Self-Guided Course: Work through key concepts at your own pace with a structured course that breaks down what the mental load is, why it often falls disproportionately on moms, and how to create a more equitable system at home—without constant reminders or resentment.
💬 Couples Coaching Sessions: Want personalized support? In online coaching sessions, I’ll guide you and your partner through practical, research-backed strategies to shift the balance, improve communication, and create a partnership that feels truly supportive.
It’s time to move beyond frustration and into real, lasting change. Learn more about Mental Load Coaching and start lightening your load today! Check it out here.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
